Nothing ever changes for long.....

It's been easy going.... only because I'm not an agressive person.  But, I pay attention, I see everything, and wish I had my camcorder in place with a remote in the room when I'm not. 
My fiance is a liar.  He lies about the stupidest shit, and the bigger shit.  I understand it, or maybe I just tolerate it cuz I know how his brain works.  Does that make it okay, or anything he lies about ok? 
I'm dancing on the balance beam from hell.  Where do I choose to fall?  Into the lions den, or in total adult solitude that I've been in for almost 21 years?
So..... I TRULY want some inpute!!
I'M BEGGING. 
I want YOUR opinion.  I am one person, and for some messed up reason I'M the one feeling like someones watching everything I do.  And I am THE ULTIMATE in honesty and honor.  I love him, truly, more than any man I've ever met or imagined meeting
YET... he's a liar, and will manipulate situations to make my 11 year old to getting in trouble by me, cause I believe in honesty and truth.  Yet, I can't ask his children 11 and 15 for any simple thing such as putting their dishes in the sink to protect my dog, Daisy, without him doing ALL of it for THEM.  They never think of the dog... HE has always done everything for them aside for wiping their asses in public, yet my girls who are strong and not acting like they're 4 are a problem. 
I TRULY WANT ANYONE AND EVERYONE'S OPINION!!!!!
E-MAIL ME, COMMENT.... I don't care.... just give me some insight.....
I have some ideas.  I've been dealing with this for almost a yr.... mind you I gave up my apt and my career on April 4th..... It's March.... And here's my opinion..............
If he has the right to give what he THINKS his kids need, like a brand-new mac laptop for a 15 yr old, a nook for an 11 yr old who doesn't use it for reading and only for watching tv episodes cuz my daughter who is an avid reader has one, and buys them both brand new cellphones.... while I got cussed out for putting $20 on my daughters cellphone minutes after months of it not being in use....
I'M SCREWED.   I really want to turn the fuckin tables around..... HE should answer to me.  He lies about every thing... NO JOKE.  Yet, he's up my ass accusing me of being him. 
Tonight, he's on the couch.  Just where he should be.  How dare he!!!  At least my children aren't dropping out of college and growing 3 times their size and not graduating so she can make babies.  OH, and did I mention we were supposed to be married 2 weeks from tomorrow?  Yeah, we were.  It'd been set back in September.  WHY?  His oldest broke up with her fiance, he actually dumped her, and then they got back together.  They did the worst thing.  Moved their wedding to 7 days LITERALLY after ours was supposed to be.
So... is this undated marriage a blessing?
YOU TELL ME!

Another Day of Hell

Today, in a brief moment, I considered my decision to leave as being too harsh. But then, I thought about all the stupid fights over stupid shit he starts to control everything, everyone, and telling me to find another place to live, knowing he's the one who has refused me to work. It's a sick game. I thought that maybe we could keep this amicable, or at least considerate, for the kids' sakes. That was until two things came to my attention today. One, he's used his key to my car to get things of his that were in it without my knowledge. Second, the wifi board has been removed from my laptop in the past 2 days. WHO THE HELL DOES THIS??
It's all about control. Then, tonight I go in the massively strong extremely cold wind to get supper, just to have the blower motor die on me, causing me to freeze in a warmed engine car. So, the question I have....
Just how far will he go, to what extent will his desire to control everything and everyone go to keep and control me?
It's not like I do anything wrong, I truly don't. I take care of everyone, everyday, and nothing for myself but the book I'm writing. But, its not enough, he still doesn't have enough of me. Why? I have a child, and its not his, and she's in his way of totally controlling the way I think, walk, talk, breathe, and who I choose to be around, which would only be him.

I've been gone too long

I intentially started this blog as emotional therapy. But, same as a million of us who do so, I got distracted or nervous of bearing my soul. To anyone who reads this, I WILL BE bearing my soul, along with all the emotions I'd rather lock inside. For me, it will be my therapy, for everyone else, maybe, just maybe, they can relate to my nightmare of a life. Tomorrow, it begins.

That Moment When Your Heart Stops

Today was supposed to be a wonderful day.  It started that way, but then it went really wrong.  My oldest daughter, Veronica, had just turned 20 only 2 days ago, and we went out for lunch today to celebrate.  You know when you take your cellphone out of your pocket for no reason, and it rings within seconds?  Well, that happened to me twice today.  On our way to lunch at Maggiano's (OMG AMAZING), I pull out my cellphone just seconds before it rang.  It was Veronica, she's an adult and can drive herself (the comment I got while we waited for her so we could all ride together), was asking where we were.  We were only 5 min away.  She's a little grouchy in the morning, and especially more now than ever since her boss put her on 3rd shift.  Anyway, that was the first instinct sign.

The second.... ripped out my heart and how it could even beat, I have no idea.  My daughter left the parking lot first, so I wasn't sure which way she went.  For a split second in my mind I considered calling her to tell her to take the interstate cause it's better, but I didn't.  She was driving, and for all the times I give her crap about being on the phone while driving, I knew I'd only make her mad.  It'd been only 15 minutes since we left the restaurant, us on the interstate, when, for no reason at all, I pulled my phone out of my jacket and held it in my hands.  Two seconds, or maybe five, it suddenly rang with my daughter's ringtone.  She's driving.  I instantly know somethings wrong, but somehow I keep calm.

I answered my phone to a hysterical, screaming and crying, Veronica.  The first words I heard said it all.  "I've been in a car accident and my car is totalled."  Mind you, it took everything to understand what exactly she was saying.  I finally had to tell her to give the phone to her boyfriend because she was so hysterical I couldn't understand her and I needed answers to get to my baby.  First, is everyone okay.  Second, where exactly are you?  Now, my fiance had a third, whose fault was it, but that is NOT at the top of my list.  Jojo, the boyfriend, says his neck and knees hurt, but she seems to be okay (other than to obvious freaking out). 

It seemed to take forever to get to her.  I knew so was semi-ok, capable of calling her mom and able to talk, but what was probably only 10 minutes, felt like an hour or more.  I can't talk, I can't think.  I immediately shut off my emotions and brain.  I have to cause me freaking out, which I was on the inside, wouldn't do my baby any good.  She's okay, that's what I kept saying to myself over and over.  Thank God I wasn't the one driving, some SERIOUS road-rage would've happened.  I mean, how dare these people be in my way, taking their time when all's I want is to see my baby and her boyfriend (the desire to do a complete body search for even a scratch did cross my mind) and know they were truly okay. 

It may not look like much, but then again, I didn't tell you what happened.  They were going 40 mph down a major road.  She turns on her right blinker to change from being in the middle lane to the righthand lane.  The SUV, which was going the other way, decided to do an illegal U-turn and put himself up for a T-boning.  Her car was literally between the front and back tires as her car tried to give it a piggy-front-ride.  She in turn, bruised her right hip, putting her whole 102 lbs of body weight, on the break pedal to try to stop.  The rest of her body, cletched into a half ball and too scared to open her eyes.  She thought for sure she would be dead.  Her boyfriend, feeling pain but his focus was completely on her.  She said he wouldn't quite touching her everywhere, to see if she was hurt, and begging her to open her eyes.

Being the one reading this, this may not seem like much.  But to me, it's everything.  I could've lost my baby today because of someone else's mistake.  It's a thought I can't handle, and I have prayed all day to thank God for keeping my baby safe.

So, if I were to send a message to everyone.... Always count your blessings and let your children know how much you love them.  Remind them, constantly, of always wearing their seatbelt and that you are always there for them when they need you. 

End results from the emergency room:  Veronica has a very bruised right hip.  Jojo has a neck contusion.  Both are going to be fine, and hurt like hell for a few days.  Thank you God for watching over my baby.

Beautiful Snow

As I sat at my desk I can't help but watch the snow blowing outside my window.  I love the snow, not near as much as I did as a child, but it is still beautiful.  The painting of white occuring before my eyes I find fascinating and hypnotic.  Just like the sight of a fierce thunderstorm clouds rolling into view, both are proof of mother nature's beauty and rage. 
My only wish, is that everyone stays safe, warm, and has time to sit and watch the beauty just as I am.

Planning New Year's Eve.... Part 2

Still in the dark about plans for tomorrow.  I went to the grocery store anyway, just in case.  I have a day of appetizers planned!  KK loves my pigs-in-a-blanket (not like I could really do them wrong), Z loves pepperoni pizza and tacos (ditto to the above), Sam loves just about everything I cook (duh, she's my youngest and loves to explore new tastes and try new recipes), and Harry's likes and dislike change like the wind direction.  BUT, I think I have a killer appetizer menu planned.... just waiting for the signal.  We have custody of Z, whose 15 years old, but the mother has custody of KK, whose also 11 years old. 

So, here's my menu idea as silly as it may sound: 
     Pigs-in-a-blanket
     Brushetta (everyone in my house loves tomatoes)
     Cocktail meatballs in a cranberry and chili sauce (allrecipes.com)
     French Fries (load them with cheese and chili if you like)
     Pizza pockets (my own awesome recipe with frozen bread dough)
     Deviled eggs (just for the adults cause we love them soooo much)

If anyone has any other ideas, please let me know.  The difference in what I'm making is the amount.  Either we will have 5 eating, or 3.  My older daughter has to work, so unfortunately she won't be here, atleast I know she will be very safe (also lives only half a mile from work which happens to be at a hospital). 

I hope that everyone has an extremely nice New Year's Eve, regardless of how you spend it.  Be safe, stay safe, and ensure the safety of the one's you love and hold dear to your heart.

Planning for the New Year's Eve

Every New Year's Eve my girls and I would stay up all night watching and waiting for the ball to drop.  This has been a tradition since my youngest was only 3 years old.  Now, of course, this was something she always strived to do, so we always had to record it 'just in case' she couldn't do it.  We would eat finger food, flip back and forth with holiday movies when our favorite musicians weren't performing, and the living room set-up as a great sleepover party.  This year, now that my girls are 19 and 11, it's going to be different.  VERY different.  My oldest is in college, also working full-time, and has her own apt.  My fiance' isn't sure of his ex-wife's plans.